Soul Searching

Friday, March 18, 2016

spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
let me walk upon the waters
wherever you have called me
take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger
in the presence of my savior

I am searching.  I don't know yet what I will find, but I am definitely searching.  As new year rolls on and the school year quickly draws to a close I am finding myself looking into next year (okay, the next five years if we're being honest).  I battle with the anxious feelings that take over my body when I begin to think of the all of the questions I have.  It's a dizzy cycle.  The constant searching, the yearning, the waiting.  We find ourselves spinning in circles, frantically looking for the right door to exit the carousel of questioning. Where is my next stop?

I am notorious (at least with my husband) of getting really excited about things and pursuing them with my whole heart if only for a week or two before I decide to move on to the next thing.  I justify this in my mind because life is way too short and I don't want to have to choose only a few things to dedicate the short amount of time I have here to.  At the root, fear drives me in my indecisiveness. What if I choose the wrong thing; or even worse, miss out on something that I would have loved? Shane challenged me a few weeks back to take some time to sit down and write out everything I am involved in.  I sat down to began my list and within just a few minutes I had a full page of things that take my time and my attention.  As I looked at each line a daunting thought came to mind - what if all of this "stuff" is keeping me from the things I was purposed to do?  Purpose.  That is a big word that carries a heavy weight.  As humans we wander through life constantly searching for the thing that gives us just that. A purpose - by which to live and die. The reason we choose to get out of bed each morning must be fueled by something more than getting to punch the clock at our job and rush home only to start the routine over again.  What is the purpose?

Pocketfuel referenced the book "Out of Sorts" by Sarah Bessey (btw - I plan to read this ASAP).  One of the quotes they pull from the book is "If our theology doesn't shift and change over our lifetime, then I have to wonder if we're paying attention?  The Spirit is often breathing in the very changes and shifts that used to terrify us.  Grace waits for us in the liminal space."  There is GRACE in the journey.  There is grace in the changes and the shifts and the searching.  There is grace.  That is the purpose.  Christ calls us to seek him.  When we are patient and still, He is there.  When we are anxious and worried, He is there.  In the past year of my life I have experienced ups and downs.  I have transitioned into new phases of my life and overcome obstacles.  I have also found myself stuck in situations that haven't found resolution.  I have found myself searching for the answers and the reasons as to why this has happened and yet this hasn't.  I have filled my time with things I love and also things I don't in an effort to escape the one thing that Jesus has led me to do.  Be Still.  

Lamentations 3:25 The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. 

Do you want the honest truth?  The one thing I didn't have on my list of things I was giving my attention to was Jesus.  He didn't make the cut.  My father, who has given me infinite grace, in the midst of the searching didn't seem to be valuable of my heart, my time, my joy and my sorrow. 

Yet, He is still here.  Waiting for me.  Carrying me.  Gently leading me to my next stop.
He is a God of mercy.  

I cannot see the end.  I can try to manipulate situations and allow myself to wallow in what I feel is missing or unfair but it doesn't change my ability to scope the future.  I believe at this time in my life Jesus is urging me to search, but He is calling me to search Him.  His character and His promises.  He wants me to search for truth.  My purpose, in His infinite grace, is his purpose - to allow Him to lead me into the deepest of waters, the joy and the pain, all for His glory.  

I am continuing the journey and searching my soul.  I am searching for Jesus.  I am longing to see his presence in every aspect of my life.  I am waiting for him to move.  I know he is working to show me the next door he is asking me to walk through.  All for His glory.  

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