Finding Your Purpose in the Face of Infertility

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

When we began our infertility journey three years ago I did not yet understand the impact it would have on our marriage and on each of us individually.  During our first year of trying to become pregnant, I remember searching the internet for any shred of relation between our story and someone else's story.  I wanted to find another couple, another woman, that was experiencing the same difficulties we were.  I didn't want to feel alone.

Infertility is isolating.  Daily, Shane and I made a conscious effort to be there for one another and support each other, but we processed our emotions differently. Looking at it now, I see that what we experienced, although the same, was in fact different for each of us.  I cannot speak on his behalf but I know from our conversations that what Shane worked through and is still working through as a man looks drastically different than what I have journeyed through as a woman.

We are by nature, opposite beings - man and woman.  And as a woman this is what I have learned..

I grew up in a household with both a mom and a dad whom loved each other dearly and are still in love to this day.  My father worked as a teacher and supported my mother to stay home and raise my brother and I until we were both in school.  At that point my mom returned to work in both part-time and full time positions, but she always kept being a mother first.  My mom was called to motherhood and she has carried that calling throughout her life so well.  I remember growing up longing to be just like her.  A mother and a wife first.  I have been blessed to get the opportunity to fulfill the wife portion of my dream - but the motherhood part?  I honestly am not sure that I really want that anymore.

As isolating as infertility is, it has challenged me to look at my life through a lens I was never "forced" to look through before.  My plan of being a mother hasn't yet panned out.  And after falling to pieces, I have realized that putting myself back together is a gift that I didn't see coming.  Each piece that I am continuing to put back in its rightful place doesn't look like it once did.  Some of the pieces are shattered and glued back together, and some are similar as they were before, but the others are completely new.  Morphed into a new being that is eager and captivating.

My purpose may be to one day be a mother; but right now, that is not what the Lord is calling me to do.  Instead, He is gifting me with the opportunity of choice.  He is allowing me to walk with Him and grow in my personal self.  He is allowing Shane and I to grow in our marriage.  He is showing us the various possibilities that our life holds that we were unable to see before.  Doors are opening for us while others are closing but we are walking through each moment with our hearts open for whatever lies beyond.  I still don't know exactly what my purpose is or what the Lord has in store for me.  Day by day I am learning to allow myself the space to grow into who I need to be in order to fulfill His purpose.

Jeremiah 29: 11-14
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."

His promises are true and his plan is so much greater than we can fathom.  For the first time, we are allowing our infertility to grow in us something bigger to be..  Us.
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