Sunday, September 2, 2018

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Wrestled.  I think that is the word that would best describe my relationship with Psalm 37:4 and quite frankly with myself.  Delight yourself in the Lord.  That very thing can be most difficult when my human mind tries to understand the world through my own skewed lens.

Yesterday, I wrestled hard.  I felt myself slipping back into the mindset I struggled so ferociously to escape years ago.  Self-pity, doubt, impatience, anger, jealousy.  All of the things so opposite of the grace I have been so lovingly given through Jesus everyday I have walked this road.  I am reminding myself to be gentle with my own heart and emotions.  I am a human and at the core our emotions are raw and difficult to process.

It is not by coincidence that we were given the opportunity to watch two precious children for a friend this past Friday evening that are currently in placement.  Young babies under the age of two and let me tell you:

It was a dream.

It was also mass chaos of course.  Imagine, two adults who have never parented.. ever, caring for two little ones.  Ha!  To be a fly on the wall..  oh, but it was sweet.  It went by too fast.  The simple fleeting moment in which we felt that after all of this time - we were home.

This is foster care.  Unexpected and temporary.

We are so thankful to my friend for giving us the opportunity to watch those children and experience what a placement will be like when it comes.  It was truly, an invaluable crash course in parenting.

But, when it was over, I was blindsided with all too familiar pain of my heart breaking.  It was so unexpected and incredibly overwhelming.  The pain of infertility.  The pain of the temporary.  The reminder, yet again, that we are not in control of this journey.

And y'all.  It freaking hurt.

I've said it before and I will say it again, so much of this journey is incredibly personal.  I often struggle to find words to explain what it is I feel.  The spiritual aspect at times feels like a constant battle for my soul.  I wander the never ending circle of my mind's attempt to process what I feel.
Why I feel.  If I delight myself in the Lord, He said He will give me the desires of my heart.  So, why hasn't he yet?  I know that often times, in the depth of my own self-pity, I fail to see what He is doing.  Part of why I write this blog is to allow me to look back and attempt to decipher where I am in my present state.

It always happens, with tears streaming down my face, I type the dialogue of my mind and my heart is gently reminded that I am unconditionally loved.  The Lord always keeps his promises.

In the wee hours of Saturday morning I stumbled out of bed to get a crying baby from her crib.  I changed her diaper, scooped her up into my arms and held her close.  I paced the room, humming a song and tried to soothe her back to sleep.  Her little head was pushed into my neck and her tiny fingers held on to the sleeves of my t-shirt as she slowly drifted back into her slumber, safe and warm, in the arms of a stranger.

It was there, in the middle of the night, in the house we had bought to start our own family, I was mothering someone else's precious baby.

And in that moment, the Lord granted me the desires of my heart.

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